Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
